Well, it’s been an enlightening past few days.
Lately, I’ve been having some real talks with God because I really want a traditional family. About 2 years ago my ex finance jilted me for a 21 year old girl. I wasn’t totally innocent in this. I was pursing a poly relationship with a couple I met who lived abroad and I wasn’t really respectful of anyone’s feelings in that situation. I thought I was being transparent and I wasn’t because there was a lot I hid from all parties involved (including myself) about what my real motives were.
Everyone got hurt in the end and I was the biggest loser of all. My ex felt betrayed but he seems to have healed. He and his new girlfriend appear happy from what people who still are in touch with him that I know say. The couple that I was pursuing also felt betrayed want nothing to do with me any more. But maybe once a season I peep at them on social media because I really do hope the best for and they seem like they’re doing even better than ever, which is good.
Me, however, have had disappointment after disappointment in love. Whenever I meet someone it feels promising with, it fizzles out. So I started working with the name of God for soulmate in Kabbalah: שאה. I wrote the name in the outline of a heart, colored it, and hung it over my desk for Valentine’s Day. The lesson the name of God taught me is as follows.
My closest thing to a relationship, if you could even call it that, was a work romance with a security guard that I mentioned in a an earlier post. We’ll just call Michael (not his real name).
Long story short, it was a push pull but even though we didn’t see each other outside of work more than twice (and things got psychical on those occasions), it felt like I was in a relationship.
The whole thing ended a few weeks ago when a good friend at work had a man to man with Michael after I got upset after overhearing the security guards joking about me like I was some archetypal “crazy girl” who was stalking the cute security lead. My friend got Michael to have a talk with me about what was really going on and that’s when Michael told me he had a girlfriend almost the entire time the flirtation was going on (about 8 months).
The definition of unrequited love is: “Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer’s deep and strong romantic affection, or may consciously reject it.”
And I realized that yeah, he probably did care me but I’m just a toy at the end of the day. So I have done everything I could to not see him and this time he’s respectfully kept his distance and I’m happy he’s at least giving me the space I need to heal.
Even friends that told me that the whole affair was no good came out and asked me point blank if Michael and I broke up because it was a kind of relationship. I told them yes, it was for good this time. Even if he was lying about having a girlfriend because he seems to lie about everything, the fact of the matter is, I can’t trust him and I don’t want to be involved with someone I can’t trust, not even as friends.
Every time I walked away before, he’d chase me down after two weeks exactly because he didn’t want to lose me. I guess he wasn’t ready to make a choice between me and his girlfriend. But I had no idea he was spoken for. I thought that if I stood by him and we continued to build our relationship, then when he was ready to have a girlfriend, we could give things a shot again. But I never would have done that if I knew he had a girlfriend because I only pursue men in relationships whose partners are open to me being there and I talk to the girlfriends/wives openly about it.
But Michael hiding the information from me so I would give him the attention he wanted at work behind his girlfriend’s back was a total deal breaker for me. I don’t know his alleged girlfriend but if she’s actually a real person and she wants a man that keeps her a secret, she can keep him. And I’m not going to fight for a man’s affection when he’s taken. That is wrong. That is why I lost my ex and I’m not going to teach someone else that lesson. Someone else can do that.
I was niave of course. I did readings that made me think someone else was in the picture (the repeated appearance of the three of cups, eight of swords, two of swords, the Moon were indications) but I thought that he would have said something if someone serious was in the picture. My advances were blatant and I assumed a men would mention their woman at some point to let me know to back the fuck off. But whenever I asked him things like “What are you doing this weekend?” or “How was your weekend?” she never came up. It was always just hanging out with friends or martial arts training or going on a hike — nothing about a girlfriend.
So in the meantime, I was sworn to secrecy and caught in ambiguity. I promised I’d never tell anyone what happened between he and I because he said that he could get “fired” if anyone knew about what was going on between us. But now I feel like he may have even been lying about that and trying to keep me quite so his coworkers, who most likely know about this alleged girlfriend, wouldn’t think he’s the creep he is. Maybe he just wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
Anyway, after the truth came out, I had a total meltdown. I cried for three hours at work. I didn’t go home but I sat at my desk and everyone saw I was a wreck. That’s when I told everyone who cared to ask what was wrong and how a lot of people in my department found out about the secret that I kept because I wanted him to know he could trust me. But now I don’t care if everyone knows and I don’t care if he does lose his job over it (although that stipulation could have been a lie too).
I had been pulling the Tower for the week leading up to that and it felt like every bit of what the archetype represents.
So gettting used to having an empty heart is hard. The first week after we were done, I was coloring a picture of a flaming heart with “שאה” in the middle: Shin, Alph, Heh, the Hebrew name of god for soulmate.
It was a weird day. I got shocked really bad by the microwave with Saturn sextile Neptune. It was such a jolt it sent me leaping into the air and people stared at me. I sat at my desk and shivered from the shock for a half hour. I guess Michael got sent to check on me to see if I was OK. I caught his reflection in my mirror, turned around and said, “What the fuck are you doing here?” out loud and he froze. it’s a busy call center so no one noticed, everyone was talking really loud. But he knew what I said. And as he passed my desk he slid his eye over my picture. He’s Jewish and he read it and he turned his eyes down and kept going. That’s the last time he tried to see me. Sometimes I think he tries to see me in the morning because he’ll drive past me as I’m crossing the street. I don’t have any proof that it’s more than a coincidence.
I’m trying not to care about what he thinks or feels any more anyway.
The worst part is going in and out of the building though. I can’t walk past the security desk so I only have one door in the entire building I can use. The security guards all talk shit about me and I just want to stay out of their way because Michael is the security lead. He made up all kinds of lies about me and smeared me so I don’t care what I say about him to coworkers any more. So we’ve sealed the deal that we’re not talking any more because the truth is out about what happened between us.
It hurt so much to go to work every day after that but my coworkers were amazing. I’d joke with them and they lifted me up and made me feel loved. I was able to stay focused on what was happening in the present thanks to my team. And I felt that kind of soul connection love with my coworkers. Soulmates don’t have to be romantic; they’re people that you have a soul connection with, who will lift you up when you’re down and feed your soul the love you need when you need it, like good soul food.
And I’ve felt that kind of connection with my whole department . People who know are supportive and Michael doesn’t walk by my desk for no reason any more because he knows everyone knows and he’s ashamed of how he treated me. I know he would do anything to save anyone in that building. He’s that kind of person. But he’s not making up excuses to see me any more and that’s good because I need him to stay away from me because I don’t want someone in my life who is going to make a mockery out of me and my affection.
I do miss him though even though I don’t think he’s an arrogant prick. I have a mirror on my desk and I’d catch his reflection in it as he approached my desk. I’d turn around and see him walking past me and his eyes would twinkle and he’d smile or mumble a greeting to me or wave when no one was looking. He’s young and dashing and it felt good to have a secret love affair. I miss how he’d pop up in random places to surprise me. I miss our long talks after work or short chats in the cafeteria. I miss when the wall would come down and we’d have an emotionally intimate moment with each other. It was romantic and I miss that. But all is fair in love and war.
But now that he’s gone, I got my wish for a soulmate. I noticed all the soulmates around me all the time. My friends and family and even fans of my writing that I have a soul connection with. So God showed me love and showed me what the meaning of soulmate is. When people heard I was heartbroken the response was pretty overwhelming. People got in touch I hadn’t heard from in a long time, wrote me messages of encouragement, called me on the phone and gave me all the love that I needed to know that just because some loser ass hole doesn’t know how to treat me with respect doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who do. And I saw that I’m the one who got away this time. It’s just not what I wanted. But maybe I have to understand this kind of love first before I can understand the next.
Honestly, I think a lot of people are really damaged right now and they don’t know how to love much less recognize what a soul connection actually is and treat it like it’s worth something. This experience also taught me that it’s nothing personal when someone can’t return the love the way you need it returned. It’s just that because of trauma, they may literally not be able to.
Anyway, I knew a Kabbalistic approach would give me the right answer even though it’s usually not at all what I’m looking for. That’s why God is a mystery and that’s why God also has a Divine sense of humor.
Everything came full circle when I was watching a documentary about mystical Iran with one of my mentors who’s like a father to me. They visited Sufis seeking a mystical experience with Allah. They talked about having “hearts on fire” and seeing god as a “Soulmate”. The heart of fire is what I envisioned while coloring this picture and working with this name of God. So I gave the “שאה” picture to my mentor who is looking for a soulmate relationship with all his heart so maybe it can help him manifest what he’s after.
So for now, I’m honoring the soulmate relationships in my life because that seems like what God has told me I need to focus on before I can find the real kind of love I’m looking for.