I decided to enter the void after the Edgar Kasey Kabbalah group I went to a couple of weeks ago and start exploring the Sephiroth of Da’at. Da’at is the controversial Sephiroth that lies between the Sepernal Triad and the 7 lower Sephiroth of the material world. It’s the curtain that is a black hole between us and the Holy Father, Mother, Spirit. It’s a desert you have to cross to find the oasis where the answer to your deepest questions lie. And so heartbroken, I went out into the desert. I’ve spent three weeks looking for my life purpose because lately, I’m not feeling too sure about my direction because the one thing I truly want: a family of my own, seems like more of a mirage than a real possibility.
Today I woke up feeling dreary in a frozen, gothic, deep winter kind of way. I was born on the coldest day of the year so bitter cold feels comforting to me. It was snowing and my breath cane out in little puffs as I plugged up my ears and listened to Joy Division “She Lost Control” and The Cure “Drowning Man”, feeling content to be wrapped in the heart of winter bleakness.
I checked my e-mail and found out Karl Lagerfeld, a monumental fashion icon, had passed away at 85. Fashion is one of my favorite art forms (stating the obvious here), so I felt a little sad knowing a fashion great had passed. The New York Times did a nice piece about him. You should check it out if you’re interested.
I was a little unsettled from a near confrontation with my unboyfriend at work yesterday. He broke my heart again 3 weeks ago and I was doing an excellent job of avoiding him until he spotted me trying to sneak in the door. He rushed up the hall to catch up with me with a big smile on his face. I had no idea how he even had the nerve to approach me after he told me the truth after lying to me for months. I scowled, turned and went outside to get away from him because he probably doesn’t understand how angry I am. I’m not ready to talk yet. I don’t know if I will ever will be because this time I know the truth.
So I was creeping around corners and laying low at work today since it’s only a matter of time before he does catch up with me.
When I want nothing to do with him is when he wants me the most.
Another shocking event jolted my realty. I opened up Facebook and saw a very respected flow artist had passed away. I’ll spare the eulogy because I’m not proud of how I felt towards him. I considered Matt a rival when I used to spin fire but it was friendly competition. However, there was the darkness of jealously behind that competition. He was way better than I was and I really wanted to be part of his fire troupe. He never invited me to join though and I had a grudge against him because of that.
But I was probably the one who was being a jerk, honestly. I remembered the last time I saw him. I did my Snow White Evil Queen transformation double hoop burlesque routine and he complimented me sincerely. I was flattered but wondered why if he enjoyed my work, why wouldn’t he work with me? But maybe it was because I never asked.
It was good talking to my trainer at Boot Camp about it though. She put it into perspective and said friendly competition pushes you to be better. And Matt did push me to be better. I trained hard because I wanted to join his troupe but I never got an invitation.
Back then, I was extremely egotistical and competitive and that’s one reason I stopped spinning. And when I stopped, I knew people like Matt would still carry the torch so I didn’t feel like anyone lost anything when I stopped dancing. I wasn’t really that great of a dancer and I was never the show stopping, barrier buster I wanted to be. But people like Matt kept going and overcoming plateaus. I didn’t have the dedication to conquer that last plateau. I hit a wall and stopped.
So something was lost when Matt’s light went out … we lost a torch bearer, someone who advanced the fire arts and helped light other’s torches. It’s ironic he passed on the same day that was the birthday of my best friend from childhood who also passed away tragically.
I sat down with my boss and talked about Matt today. I asked her how to come to terms with the death of someone you envied. I like my boss’ real take on things and she said I needed to find what I can give up that I’m holding on to to release the karma.
You see, I carry grudges and envy and eat it like poison because I take things too personally sometimes. And it doesn’t make me feel good at all. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve felt pretty poisoned lately from being heartbroken and frustrated with not being where I want to be in life.
Lately I’be been asking myself what is missing? I’m very comfortable, the most comfortable I’ve been in years. I’m provided for. I have good friends and people love me. So I was thinking about the 2 great artist who passed away, Matt and Karl Lagerfeld while I colored a picture in my Erte coloring book (I am falling in love with his art). I always do my own takes when reproducing famous art and this picture I decided to make a star being creating the world from fire. It made me contemplate creative energy and how great artist can never stop creating. That’s what they were born to do. My creativity has been stifled for so long that I feel like maybe that’s what I’m missing — maybe I’m not expressing myself creatively and that’s why I feel so tortured sometimes. Maybe the reason I’m here is to create. And if I just keep creating and don’t stop, then maybe I’ll discover my life purpose.
I went to work out and thought more about bitterness and envy and how to cure myself from it. I thought about how at some point I’m going to have to talk to my unboyfriend because that bitterness is a rotten piece of fruit fermenting in my stomach and poisoning my mind.
I ate Arabic food at a Lebanese restaurant and took a long walk in the moonlit snow to process more.
Sometimes I pray for answers and I don’t like the ones I get. But being a mystic involves hard self examination and the art of spiritual alchemy is not easy and the stages of transmutation involve violent change.
I was unpacking boxes because I just moved and an antique photo I use to represent Archangel Gabriel, the angel that is my creative patron, resurfaced after being lost for a year and a half. She also rules the Moon in Kabbalah so I’ll take this as an apparition and a sign that it’s time to start writing again.