The Lovers, the Star and Twin Flames

When a lot of people think of Twin Flames, they think wedding bells and forever romance and screaming “I love you!” at the top of your lungs from a mountain top.

And those thoughts aren’t wrong … they’re just one part of what having a Twin Flame relationship means for some people … but because my Twin is gay and I’m in a woman’s body, our experience is different (but not any easier).

This summer found me picking the knots out of my heart strings when My Twin and I took our relationship to a deeper level. It’s taken some adjusting to embracing the reality of having found my Twin Flame, especially because he has been right in front of me for half of my life.

It came as a shock because I never planned to stop running. I thought I could run forever and ever. I’d sworn I’d never speak to him again in 2020 and we ended up back in the old runner/chaser pattern. I became the runner that time and I was still running at the beginning of summer. But out of nowhere, a mutual friend passed away. So I stopped running, swallowed my pride and told My Twin what happened.

The conversation about our friend led to the opportunity to talk about our feelings for each other. My Twin said he was hurt because he didn’t understand why I cut him off. I told him it wasn’t because I don’t love him … but because I do. And I finally told him that I still love him, I’ve loved him for 20 years and I think we’re Twin Flames. The inexplicable intensity of our relationship made sense in that context, so we explored what this realization means to us. And we promised we’d never have another friend breakup.

But that revelation brought a surge of unexpected responsibility, downloads and feelings. We became attuned to each other’s vibration again and now all of a sudden, the future is changing so fast for both of us because we manifest whatever we dream when we’re in sync. We’ve been exploring what it means to know we incarnated together to take this path together and it’s just based on love. Whenever I feel how strong the spiritual love we have for each other, the brighter the future gets. And that can’t be a bad thing.

And so my Twin Flame journey continues…

After discovery and acceptance, my Twin and I took some space in July. He told me the whole thing was too much. I agreed. I was so mixed up about what day it was talking to him all night and sleeping during the day because he’s overseas. My body was on fire because I just wanted to be near him. Even when I slept I didn’t feel like I slept because I was becoming attuned to him. I was also aware that this will not be sexual. I repeated it over and over again because I want to respect him. Even though I’m non-binary, I’m in a woman’s body and his biology does my work that way. But we both acknowledged that we needed to see each other and see how things feel in person before we could figure out how close we want to be. But it was frustrating because international travel isn’t possible for either of us or much of anyone right now. In my secret thoughts I wondered if I’d ever see him again because of how impossible the future feels sometimes.

All of this was disorienting and my mental health took a nose dive because of lack of sleep, the attunement and the influx of energy that came with reunion.

So we had a “break up” conversation. We spoke of other matters of the heart. He told me something that I waited 20 years to hear … but it broke my heart. I thought it would be the happiest day of my life when he told me what I’d known for so long. But it hurt because he told me for a dark reason.

So even though we entertained the fact of trying to be together for a short time over the summer, in the end, distance, bodies and COVID keeping us apart made it seem impossible that we’ll ever sit down face to face and just feel what it’s like to be next to each other again. Emotions were high on both ends by the time we shared our feelings so we cut it off, even though I kicked and screamed about it. I also got real with him about some things I considered red flags.

After that talk, he took off running. I didn’t chase him. I hate the runner and chaser game and having been the runner myself several times throughout the years, I let My Twin go because I needed to get my head on straight.

I gave myself time to process my feelings.

I focused on giving myself compassion and space to mourn and heal.

And when I finished having compassion for myself, I was ready to extend it to my Twin, but only from a distance. I started by letting go of a lot of old hurt that I gripped like a hot coal. It burnt but I refused to let it go even though all it did was hurt me. I got real with myself too and accept that I needed to get the fuck over some things that happened a long time ago. And I made a healthy choice: I let that anger go. That smoldering anger was the reason why I would always take off running.

I didn’t want to do that again.

I didn’t want another friend breakup.

So after meditating and reflecting on the past 2 decades, I realized that running again was the wrong approach. When I ran in the past, it only hurt him and made him miss me more. So I kept all lines of communication open. I figured I’d let My Twin figure out how close or far he wants to be away from me. And we’ll set the boundary then.

It was easier than I thought to let go of my anger once I convinced myself the feeling didn’t have a purpose.

I made an agreement with myself to act with compassion the next time My Twin and I spoke. And the magick that comes with forgiveness was seen in the signs.

Because then came the repeating 2s. Everywhere I looked there were 22s and 222s. I sensed my Twin was going to contact me. I also saw a lot of repeating 7s so taking the 2 together, I was aware a message was coming soon.

During the space, I dreamed about my Twin twice. The first time I dreamed I was giving him the third degree for how much he hurt me when he started running. He contacted me IRL and I sent him a snarky song because I wasn’t ready to talk.

The 2nd dream was our deceased friend called us to scolded us for being mean to each other … I scoffed at that one even though our deceased friend has made it known that she’s going to help us rebuild our friendship come hell or high water.

Sunday I went to convocation at the Rosicrucian Poranos. It was solemn occasion because we may disband. I was feeling sad about that but I came to know that I needed to be open to receiving a message. I left the poranos worried about the future of our Order in Colorado but amazed that again, sanctum brought a revelation. All I had to do was wait and remain open.

Monday My Twin got in touch. Instead of greeting him with anger, I greeted him like a dear friend because he is my dearest friend I have. I told him about my dream about our deceased friend scolding us and he said he had a similar one. I wasn’t surprised. We share Dreamtime from time to time.

The magic was still there when My Twin and I talked Monday evening. By then end of the conversation I felt our friendship was renewed but I also felt that giddy, riding on cloud 9 dazed feeling settling in. The depths of our connection is bottomless and it makes my heart drunk and my mind dizzy. I can’t help but feel like I’m falling into infinity when he’s near, even if it’s just on the phone. It’s been that ways since I was 16. When he’s near, it’s bliss … unless we’re at war … then it’s hell and I need him to stay as far away as possible. I accept that a sexual relationship is not possible, but our spiritual love is so special that it satisfies me on a level much deeper than the physical would.

Today I randomly remembered a shodo painting I did a long time ago. It hung in My Twin’s and mine living room in Japan over 10 years ago. It was – 2 radicals for fire when put together meaning “blaze”. When I found a picture of my painting I wanted to laugh. I had no idea what Twin Flames are back then and yet I painted this kanji and hung them over our couch. “Twin Flames? Right …” I laughed at the coincidence.

I work in a call center so I see numbers all day and it was 22 and 222 all over the place again. To the point that I couldn’t ignore it.

So I pulled out The Tarot 3D deck, (a holographic Tarot deck) and drew a card: the Lovers. The way the light hit the card, it made it look like Raphael had 2 heads — twin souls again.

That was proof enough to me some big news was coming. I wondered what deserved such a loud premonition.

I pulled more cards: The Lovers, The Star and Justice

Then I remembered I’d painted some other kanji and omg one of them was “Star” (星). How weird is that this Tarot reading was practically hanging on our wall??

Then the announcement I was waiting for arrived yesterday evening. My Twin messaged me and told me something that rocked my world and knocked the wind out of me. Everything is too up in the air to bet on anything right now. But IF this comes to pass, I think we’ll make better choices with how we treat each other. I feel scared and excited and I’m trying not to get my hopes up. But just look to the Star card. It’s the card of hope, and that’s not anything to sneeze at.

So whatever happens, I’m sure it will all unfold as it should and I’ll learn even more about love along the way.

I don’t know the future, it’s subject to change of course. But the things I’ve seen in my readings look dynamic in a good way. So I feel very 7 of Cups right now …

🥂To the future …


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