I’m always careful when I write about any kind of spiritual experience linked to Native American shamanism. I am not a shaman but sometimes I pick up on the energies of the land because I’m a sensitive psychic.
So here it is: another love story. Because I learn my greatest lessons through love.
Last spring, shortly after my First Temple Degree Initiation into AMORC, I feel in love with a Native American, who we will call Michael in this mystical, personal narrative.
Michael pretty much appeared out of nowhere. He noticed me before I noticed him. He spoke to me first and we started building a relationship. As I got to know Michael, I sensed the magic of his ancestors pumping through his veins. The more I found out about him, the more of a mystery he became. I saw him do things I couldn’t explain. He was either stalking me or we had a psychic connection because we always ended up in the random places at the same random times without coordinating. Sometimes I knew what he was thinking when I look into his eyes. He reeks of magick as strongly as I do.
All of this synchronicity between Michael and I created an intense, smoldering sexual attraction between us. Although we only shared a bed once, the heat of our passion is burnt into my memory. His touch still lingers on my skin even though that was months ago.
We promised it was only a hookup and we wouldn’t fall in love. But we didn’t part ways afterward because we both felt something for the other. He was my boyfriend not boyfriend. We both saw other people but we still also saw each other daily. We made a few minutes every day to chat or say hello. We bumped into each other a lot.
People noticed our relationship and friends asked questions. Mine asked me why we weren’t together.
But what they didn’t know was that we were together in a sense because I also saw him every night in my dreams. He traveled the astral plane with me nightly like every other star crossed lover, sky walker, magick man I’ve loved.
Those are the only kind of men I can love.
Michael taught me a lot in those dreams. But the following dream made me realize I was in love with Michael and that he loved me too and that we could never know each other without loving
I fell asleep on the couch while I was watching a movie with my roommates one night last summer. I woke up in the dream in a beautiful palace with a stunningly handsome king: my husband. I was frightened because I had been in a strange land in my dream (2018) and everything was so different from the medieval life I knew but so real at the same time. The dream frightened me and I woke my husband, who in 2018, is none other than Michael. I told him all about 2018 and how strange it was. I told him I was a woman who wore pants like a man and had pink hair. I told him that he was different but the same in 2018. And although it was an interesting dream, I told him it made me sad because he didn’t love me and we weren’t even friends. The king thought this was hilarious. He held me and kissed me and told me he would always love me.
Then I went back to sleep and woke up in 2018. And I remembered that Michael was my husband a long time ago and we loved each other deeply. We lived such a happy life together, like a fairy tale. I understood why it always felt so good to have even just a brief conversation with him in this current life. Because my soul remembered our past life.
Michael and I were on one of our not speaking streaks at the time of that dream. We had lover’s quarrels even though we were just soul lovers. But just like every other time we had a fight, we came back together and made up because part of him remembered the feeling too, even if he didn’t understand where it came from.
That last time we fought and made up things deepened. He would stare at me every time he saw me like I was the only girl in the world. When we talked, we gazed deep into each other’s eyes and I always felt like “I love you” was on the top of our tongues. It made my day to just see him even if it was in passing when things were good.
But I knew it was only a matter of time before we got too close again and he’d push me away. That was our pattern.
It wasn’t healthy for either of us and finally, Michael’s ancestors stepped in and said something about it because he and I sure as hell didn’t know how to break the cycle.
On September 1, I dream traveled to the astral hut in the middle of the desert where I always meet the medicine man. The sky was a deep blue and purple and the stars sparkled like silver and gold glitter. A little puff of smoke floated across the sky from the hole in the hut’s roof. When I came to the door I saw the old man with lines like the Grand Canyon etched deep into his copper skin. He sat by the fire in the middle of the room. The fire light turned the walls orange. I came in and sit down as usual across from the old man, who I’ve come to call Grandfather. We usually sit in silence and rarely talk but I always feel safe and relaxed in his hut.
But this visit was different because we weren’t alone. There were people in the shadows. I saw eyes shining in the darkness, staring at me like the eyes of angels. The ones I could see wore white animal hide clothing. An old woman, who looked even older than grandfather, with long white hair and dressed all in white spoke for the tribe. She referred to me as “Rainbow Fox” the name of the spirit animal I found after a Shamanic journey.
The woman was very stern. She drilled me on my relationship with Michael. I realized I was sitting in a hut filled with his ancestors who were demanding to know what my intentions are. “Grandmother” told me the ancestors were suspicious because I am not a Native. I explained that I’m part Arabic and African I’m not as white as I look. I argued that I wouldn’t even be able to see his ancestors if I didn’t have a connection to the other side. Then I told the ancestors my intention, which will remain between us. I told them my grandfather, the old man, would vouch that my intentions were true. Grandmother replied that if my intentions were true, I must make an offering.
Then everyone disappeared and Michael and I were alone holding each other in the daylight in the hut.
I woke up from the dream knowing it was more than a dream. I tried to read all the dream symbols but they didn’t make sense. I came to the conclusion that it was not a dream: it was a vision.
I reached out to two Native American friends to help me understand the dream. They both took their time getting back to me but the responses were interesting.
The first friend I asked told me that the hut was a symbol of distance and that ancestors were a symbol for time. He said he thought the dream predicted the when Michael and I would be together. My friend told me that Michael must be very special if his ancestors show up en force like that.
My second friend told me that yes, the dream was real. Michael’s ancestors really did visit me but not because they wanted to scare me; they visited me because they didn’t see any value in our relationship and wanted me to know that.
But the second friend also told me that I needed to think about why Grandmother called me Rainbow Fox. She told me that the name spoke to her as a message for me — That I need to use my psychic ability to rise above the situation to get the same view the ancestors have.
I also asked another friend, who is not Native but has studied shamanism. He told me that if Michael’s ancestors told me to leave him alone, I better listen. He also agreed Michael must be someone holy to his tribe.
A fellow priestess added her two cents and recommended that I leave Michael alone because she also thinks he’s holy.
As far as the offering was concerned, the best I could think of is that I needed to deliver the message to Michael that he is very protected since everyone seemed in agreement that he is sacred to his tribe.
But I didn’t really want to deliver the message… even though part of the reason I’m here on earth now is to act as a messenger.
Most of the time people seek me out when they need to hear a message through me. But from time to time I’m called to delivery unsolicited psychic messages. Those are always the most difficult ones to deliver because the receiver is usually asleep and I’m sent to give them a shocking wake up call. But Michael had done things and shown me things and told me things that assured me that he is awake so I didn’t feel that the message would shatter his reality. It was just another thing he needed to know and it was time to tell him.
I had already put distance between Michael and I because I had just admitted I’d had feelings for him. He didn’t respond but he was still in the background of my life. I tried to ignore him whenever we encountered each other. Every time he tried to engage me I’d smile and keep on going. It probably hurt him more than I want to admit but I can’t be friends with him without having a bad case of the feels.
So when I delivered the message, it came swift as a fox. I ran into Michael and beckoned him to me. He came straight to me through the crowd passing by. All of a sudden I started laughing hysterically because I realized I was about to give him the message and it made me nervous as hell. His friends called to him and he told them to wait a minute and came back to me.
“What?” He asked with a hurt look on his face. I guess he thought I was laughing at him. He took a step closer to me. He was so close I could have kissed him, but it wasn’t the right place or time.
I took a deep breathe and said, “One of the biggest reasons I decided to leave you alone is because your ancestors showed up in a dream and interrogated the shit out of me.״
Michael’s eyes got big and he said, “Oh shit. It’s not always good when they show up.”
“No, it’s not,” I replied.
“But I don’t understand,” he said with a dead serious look on his face. I’d never told him about my abilities so he was surprised. “Why would they want to talk to you?”
I gave him the biggest eye roll in the world. “Because they want to protect you,” I stepped away from him with a hop and a skip. “You’re *really* protected.” Then I giggled, waved and said bye with a flirtatious flounce. Because I wanted him to know that just because I am honoring his ancestors’ wishes and staying away doesn’t mean I don’t care.
Then I set to decoding the meaning of the name “Rainbow Fox”. I found a picture of an ethereal fox in a coloring book I have at my desk and meditated on idea of what a Rainbow Fox is. In 2012 I did a Shamanic journey with Barbara Ann Ilari because I was exploring different paths and trying to find the right spiritual journey for me. Barbara told me to wait for a name to come to me and while I was hula hooping with my LED hoop, I saw a Rainbow Fox in the lights. I colored the picture as I connected with the memory.
I came to know that a Rainbow Fox is a dream traveler who slips between the dimensions. Sometimes she is solid and looks like a normal fox. Sometimes she’s rainbow colored. Sometimes she’s just a Rainbow but she can always vanish into thin air. She’s like a psychedelic, Cheshire Cat made out of colorful light. And I remembered that Michael’s Native name also means fox and so does the Native friend who told me my dream foretells that one day Michael and I will be together again but it’s a very long time from now.
So I came to understand my dreamer name through the meeting with Michael’s ancestors and they gave me a gift. Perhaps the real offering I need to make is what I decide to do with this knowledge.
In the meantime, I haven’t seen Michael much lately. Sometimes when we stop talking he disappears for a while. Maybe it’s because it hurts him. Maybe it has nothing to do with me. There’s no way of knowing and his heart is filled with secrets. Before he disappeared, he tried to corner me a couple of times to talk but I slip away. I know he wants to know about my dream but I’m not breaking my promise to leave him alone. If he wants to know he can come to me. And if he doesn’t come to me, then he he’s not ready to know. But I have a feeling this is it for us for now.
I guess I’m still searching for the man of my dreams …
– [ ]