A week ago I dreamed I was at a local restaurant in my hometown. It was converted into a greenhouse. There was a kiosk that belonged to the now defunct Ear-X-Tacy, our local record store and teen hang out. in the middle of my meal, a dear friend came up to my table. I never dream about him and it felt odd he was in my Dreamtime with me. He told me how much he loved me. I told him I loved him too but I wasn’t sure if it was ok to speak the whole truth so I held back. I woke up feeling odd. I put a finger on it and said to myself, “Wait to contact him. He’s going through some tough stuff and I want to give dust time to settle.” My plan was to wait for things to calm down in his life, then invite him out to Colorado for a visit because it seems like his kind of place and it sounded like he needed to get away.

Today a mutual good friend called and told me the same friend had passed away. I verified it on Facebook. I’ve watched mutual friends respond. It’s heartbreaking.

I don’t know what happened. All I can do I speculate. But I wish I’d realized my friend was saying goodbye in my dream instead of pausing. I wish I would have reached out instead of putting a finger on that page for later because my arm is broken and he was going through big life changes that I felt I should stay out of. I thought I needed to wait a little longer. I thought he would have reached out because I told him I’m always here.

Now all I have is memories of midnight cursing with the top down of his Miata, stargazing over joints on misty summer nights. And so many others but those are my favorite memories of him … the wind in my hair as we drove in the country blasting our favorite albums and under a blanket of stars. I always wondered what would happened if I kissed him because he was cool and smart and fun and love came easy to me back then.

Then one night I did kiss him. We were getting high by a lake in his car when headlights pulled up behind us. I told him to kiss me because if it was the cops, we could tell them we were just there to make out and hopefully they’d think we were silly kids and let us go.

Our hearts beat fast together and I got lost in the kiss. It was nice and I liked it. But once we figured out the coast was clear, we stopped kissing and laughed. We never kissed again because I was too shy to tell the truth — that I liked kissing him and I wanted to explore what I felt.

The summer faded and I moved away. He was on hiatus from his high school sweetheart that summer but they got back together and he went on to marry her. Our almost summer romance didn’t bloom but when I think of summer nights he comes to mind.

That’s how I’ll always remember my friend. Live fast, die young. Be free.

Tonight, I took a half finished glass of wine outside and raised it to the sky in honor of his memory and then poured one for my “secret homie”.

I’m sad because my friend is gone, but at least he said goodbye. But I’ll always wonder what would have happened if I reached our to him after that dream …

I know you loved Oasis, my dear friend, but I dedicate this Smashing Pumpkins song to you because it is the most beautiful song about death and whenever anyone dies, I play this song for them. Rest In Peace, the world is a little darker without your light.