This is the third installment of a series of posts meant to help me comes to terms with my Twin Flame journey. When I wrote this, I was angry with my Twin and I swore I would never speak with him again but the death of a good friend brought us back together. We’ve healed our friendship and taken our love for each other deeper since then.
I’m going to recall this as best as I can because this was almost 20 years ago. I remember parts of the story like they happened an hour ago. Anything that seemed fuzzy I left out. There’s more details to this story than I can remember. But the important parts are here. This is the first time I’ve shared this experience publicly.
Some may disagree with me but I believe that Twin Flame Union strikes with a Kundalini awakening. I think this because I believe it happened to My Twin and I.
It was Derby week 2004. Derby festivities were underway in Louisville, KY, our hometown. I think it was Tuesday, April 26 —4 days before Beltain. I didn’t know what Beltain, (the fire festival celebrating the union of the god and goddess) is back then. It makes perfect sense that the timing was right to me now, but back then, I only felt that something strange was in the air.
It was warm and sunny; it was one of those days that heralds summer is just around the corner. Spring was in full bloom and the scent of fresh roses drifted on the back of the breeze.
It was a strange day. I’d gone to the Derby Parade float premier early in the day but I can’t remember who I went with. I remember I had a really good time though, so I wanted to take my Twin with me when I went back with my family.
We picked My Twin up from his dorm in the evening. My parents gave My Twin a Derby pin so he could get into the event for free. I will never know why he did this but he pushed the pin through his ear and repierced his ear. I vaguely remember a trickle of blood running down his neck but I’m not completely sure I remember that accurately. But I do remember that my parents, my sister and I were shocked. We got to the event and accepted My Twin did something crazy in the car and went into view the float preview.
My Twin wasn’t too impressed with the event so we ditched it and went to sit in the courtyard of a church with some homeless people. The sun was going down and we passed a cigarette back and forth in silence and looked into each other’s eyes. We didn’t say anything to each other. We sat like that often. We didn’t need words to enjoy being together.
We ended up back at his dorm room and got intoxicated. We were always on something back then because we felt trapped and wanted escape. The story I’m about to tell was probably enhanced by intoxication but the events transcend the effects of the substances.
I think the shift started with an energy ball exercise. At this point in our relationship, we knew we had a connection. We knew we could make things happen. We knew we could call each other in dreams or speak to each other without words. It was a curious game we played.
I learned how to do these things when I received what I would consider an awakening on the Summer Solstice of 1996. I was only 12 years old, but by the end of the night I had memories of a place and time that existed somewhere else and I knew that there was a boy I had to find who was there with me in those memories.
I met several other teens that had the memories of the same place and time, pockets of people often reincarnate together. But the first person I met who knew what I knew helped me discover more about these memories by teaching me the arts of telepathy and astral projection.
3D dwellers laughed in my face when I told them about the strange things I practiced because I wanted to hone my abilities. I wanted to know more about this place and time because it’s part of my soul story and part of my road to illumination. I felt that even as a 12 year old girl. But many didn’t understand.
Others were frightened of me.
Before I knew how to control these things, I was like a ripple in time when I walked into a room. There were some who were meant to come into the knowing and were awakened before my eyes. It was always messy and emotionally traumatic when I had an awakening on my hands.
Awakenings are rarely timed.
Then there were those who wanted to know, and asked me to awaken the abilities in them, but because of blockages, or because tha path is not meant for them yet, they couldn’t break through.
So by the time I got to college I was low key with my practices. It seemed like it only caused problems.
But my Twin was different. Our abilities fit together like puzzle pieces and we practiced with each other. We had seen glimmers of what we could do but the night of our first kiss. It was the first sign that we were capable of more than we could ever imagine.
We played games and flexed our mind muscles together. And the more we played, the stronger we got. I never worked with anyone as naturally as I worked with him.
That night we sat crisscross on his bed, held our hands out and started our warm up: creating an energy ball. We focused between our hands. We knew we were cooking when we felt our hands tingled. We expanded the ball and worked our hands around it, smoothing it out and holding it in place. Then we raised it over our heads and let it go. Some skeptics may say this is all psychosomatic. But whatever it was, it connected us energetically and fed our intentions.
We were bored and there was nothing to do so I proposed another idea: let’s try some mind reading exercises. I knew that when we were physically close, our connection was stronger so we laid down, wrapped our arms around each other and drifted into a trance.
“What color am I thinking of?” I asked My Twin when I was dropped out enough to feel our minds intertwined. I pictured a blue, electric streak vibrating in my mind.
“Blue,” he said.
I tried again. I saw a purple, electric streak vibrating in my mind. “Now what color am I thinking of?” I asked him.
“Purple,” My Twin replied.
I decided to kick it up a notch. I envisioned taking his hand and rising up into the night. The earth got smaller and smaller below us until we were flying through space.
“Where are we?” I asked him.
“Space,” My Twin replied.
Still too easy for him.
The thought that he was who I was looking for crossed my mind but I wasn’t going to take that at face value so I decided to put him to the test again.
When I first started practicing astral projection, I met a boy I knew I would find someday. We met nightly on a beach where it was always twilight. The ocean was crystal clear and there were dolphins in the water that we swam with. They taught us about telepathy. When we were tired, we laid in a hammock on the porch of a beach shanty and held each other. We promised we’d find each other one day. Every night I disconnected my body from my mind in the world between waking and sleep and met this boy on the beach. I knew his name and I knew that he was connected to those memories out of time. The name I knew is his soul name and can’t be spoken here. But I knew it was a key. And when I found him, when I spoke his name, I knew he would know and understand.
The next place I took My Twin was to the beach from my soul travels. Astral projection was easy for him. Some would argue that we weren’t doing astral projection because I spoke to him, but honestly at this point, I don’t know if we were speaking out loud or with our minds.
The beach formed around us and I felt the sand beneath our toes. I asked My Twin to describe our surroundings.
“Oh, we’re on the beach,” he cooed. “There’s palm trees behind us and the ocean is in front of us and to the right there’s a white shack,” My Twin said.
And I knew.
It’s him. I can’t believe it’s him.
And then I spoke the name of the boy I was looking for. It was the key to unlock the mystery I was chasing.
At first he was confused. I said the name again and asked, “Is that your name?”
My Twin paused and stammered, “I … I don’t know.” It was like talking with someone with amnesia who is starting to remember who they are but can’t make sense out of fuzzy memories and familiar feelings.
Then from the depths of my spirit I called his name and commanded him to wake up.
My voice echoed and the program in the illusion broke. It was like glass breaking all around us. I saw crystal shards like broken pieces of a mirror raining down around us.
What I believe to be a kundalini awakening shattered everything around us.
We held tight to each other and floated in a dark vacuum.
“What did that feel like to you?” I asked.
“Shatter,” he said.
“Oh my god,” I started to cry. “I finally found you. I’ve been looking for you for so long. Why didn’t you wake up?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t want to.” He said.
And then we started undressing and as our clothes came off I told him everything I knew about our past and about his name. As each article of clothing came off I peeled back another layer of the secret that I knew. But he was only partially awakened. He couldn’t remember the details, only the feeling. We stopped when we got to underwear, my bare breasts pressed to his chest as he held me on the threshold of Twin Flame Union. What would have happened if we’d gone farther? The question is like asking what would have happened if Adam and Eve decided to not eat the forbidden fruit.
Are we better off because we don’t know?
Or are we ignorant?
A sacrifice always comes with gaining knowledge.
But I’ll never know because we stopped before we got to Union. I don’t know if it was because he couldn’t remember all of what I told him, or we were afraid of what would come next.
Did we know that if we went any further that we would know something we weren’t ready to know?
Or did we come back to the third dimension and remember our body mismatch?
The truth is, I don’t know why we stopped. But we fell asleep half naked in each other’s arms.
The next morning I woke up, put my clothes on and left him, shocked at what had happened the night before. We didn’t speak for several days. Then he finally called me and I came over to his trashed dorm room. The blinds blocked out the day. I found disheveled and wrapped up in a blanket. He looked like he hadn’t gotten dressed or left his room in days.
He told me he didn’t accept what happened. He couldn’t explain it but he didn’t accept it.
It hurt because I knew something extraordinary had happened, but he wanted to stay in the 3D and there was nothing I could do about it. He simply didn’t want to know.
I believe he still knows that there’s a unique connection. I believe that’s why he chased me when I turned my back on him every time he broke my heart. But if he doesn’t want to know the extent of our power in our potential, I can’t have him in my life. I don’t want to stay in Eden. I want to reach my full spiritual potential. I crave the knowledge we could unlock together. But I also know that because of his personality disorder, that knowledge is a poison apple.
And so I pursue the alchemical marriage alone. My Twin gave me the tools in our Twin Flame Awakening on my path to illumination. He has the same tools if he ever wants to progress beyond the 3D. But I fear that if he ever figured it, he wouldn’t use the ability for good and so I’ve given up and withdrawn. I’m a spiritual alchemist and I am on a quest to turn my soul to gold.
Despite the fact My Twin denies that something extraordinary was revealed to us that night, our connection grew stronger in the following years. And even now we know what the other is thinking or dreaming when we tap in. We manifested so many beautiful experiences together. I spent the most beautiful moments of my life with him. He helped make me who I am today and gave me the courage to roll the dice and live life like a game of Russian Roulette.
But the truth is, I’m still in love with him and will always be because he is My Twin. My desire for his flesh is too strong for him. And his desire to control me because of his personality disorder is too strong for me.
We simply cannot be in each other’s lives.
It’s too much for both of us.
That was my second awakening and I woke up into the Mystery of Twin Flame Union. I didn’t understand what happened until I was in my thirties, but now I know. I only recently figured it out after he broke my heart and I broke down every memory I had of him. I went back over our entire history to get to the bottom of what the hell the point of everything that happened between us was. And I believe it was the power of the kundalini awakening.
I miss My Twin. dearly. But I feel like whatever happened to us that night was the purpose for our meeting. Maybe next time on the other side when we’re free from our vessels again it will all make sense.
But for now, I tell this story because it led to Twin Flame reunion, which I did not believe was possible. My best friend is the love of my life. He’s my other half and my soul lover. We will never be able to have a physical relationship because of bodies, but as Plato argued, love without sex is the purest love of all.
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