I have mixed feelings about Twin Flames. It’s easy to get it wrong. I got it wrong a couple of times. But I knew in the back of my mind that I’ve known my Twin Flame since I was 16.
I’m one of those people that had a strong Twin Flame experience early on. He went to my high school but from the start we were star crossed because he’s gay and I’m in a woman’s body.
It was easy to believe we were in love even though my friends said I was delusional. We could read each other’s minds and we had the same dreams about each other on the same nights for years. We made out passionately and he held me tenderly from time to time. We never made love but he made me feel like I was the most important person in the world to him.
I thought we were ride or die. We lived fast and furious. I’m still shocked we didn’t join the 27 Club. We ran across the world together and told everyone we were married because no one knew us and it was just us. All we had was each other or at least that’s how I felt when it was happening.
Because even though we were like the English teacher version of Bonnie and Clyde running through East Asia, the dream fell apart. There were times I questioned if the whole thing had become abusive. Finally one night when he shouted at me that my love was too much, something powerful happened. The aloe plant behind him broke in half. I’d never seen anything like that. It was my cue to get out. I moved without telling him and broke in to get my stuff. I didn’t even say bye. In my eyes, he wasn’t worth it.
I needed space but after a few years of separation. But we managed to repair our friendship after I came back to the USA. He showed up unexpected on my doorstep one day and I opened my heart to him and forgave him. But really, he was just a wolf at the door that I let back in.
We had long video chats once every couple of months. We laughed about our adventures until we cried. We fantasized about traveling together again. Sometimes I told him I’d consider coming back but it was just a fleeting thought.
Then last fall we started texting every day and having more and more frequent video calls. I started to feel myself remembering why I’d fallen for him. I started to realize that I never stopped loving him. I started thinking about leaving everything behind and running to him.
We talked about getting married in South Korea as a joke, but it kept coming up. It stopped feeling like a joke and started feeling more like a call to adventure. I started thinking I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him again. Even if it could never be what I sexually wanted in a relationship due to body mismatches, I wanted to be with my Twin. Because the way I loved him, it didn’t matter if we made love or not. I just wanted to be near him.
Around that time, I started questing my gender. A few non-binary friends gently suggested that the situation with my Twin could mean I’m non-binary. Because I’m not attracted to straight men most of the time. I’m not a lesbian, like some people have proposed because I don’t find dating women any more satisfying than dating men. But gay and queer men have a gentle side that most straight men have no clue how to embrace. Sometimes my attraction to queer and gay men made me feel like I was born in the wrong body, but I never wanted to *become* a man full time. So I started looking into what it means to be non binary and it all fell into place.
As my gender made more and more sense, I decided to take a risk and come out to my Twin as non-binary. Then I planned to ask him to be with me since I don’t always feel I identify as a woman. I love presenting as a woman and I love my feminine side but with where I am spiritually, I don’t feel like any gender. I’ve achieved a state of spiritual androgyny from my intense work with spiritual alchemy and now gender feels meaningless to me. It took a lot of processing and it scared me, but I prepared myself to confess my love to him and take up the call to adventure.
One night I was talking with him on video chat and he asked me to meet him in Guam and marry him. We had a beautiful trip to Guam once together. I wanted to scream with joy. Of course I said yes. I was overjoyed to plan to marry my best friend in Guam. I was about to talk to him about my gender but then the Tower moment happened
He took back what he said and added “never fall in love with a gay guy and we both need to find a husband.”
It went bed numb. I was done with the next day before it started. I cried all day. I was devastated. My face was raw from tears. I kept asking myself Why? What was the purpose of all the things that ever happened between us?
Then I realized it was all a game. He was always borded and that boredom made him do cruel things to amuse himself. I was his favorite toy and he loved me like an object, not like a person. He was using me for his personal entertainment and it had always been that way. I was always his puppet and he knew how to pull my strings.
My Twin Flame is a sociopath.
It was hard to accept, and it makes some of the best memories of my life difficult because all the feelings in the end were one sided, but better to figure that out after 20 years instead of 60 … or never.
And on top of that, the new discovery about my gender added to the confusion.
I blocked my Twin across platforms without an explanation. He sent me a birthday card. A friend destroyed it for me.
Since then I’ve seen him in my dreams. We never speak but we’re together.
After my love spell last night I saw my Twin Flame in my dreams. We were going down the steps and into the subway side by side. He shot me a side glance and I woke up.
Because of how powerful the full moon spell was was, I confused again in themorning. I had asked to see my future lover but I saw my Twin who doesn’t have the ability to love anyone but himself. “Is this some kind of sick joke?” I wondered.
Then I realized this is boss fight #2. I have to clear my Twin’s energy.
So last night I had altar time to the classic Massive Attack track “Mezzanine”. I took a willow branch I found in the park that used to be a graveyard, broke it in half and anointed the twigs with oil from my ritual. According to my Llewelyn daily planner, the willow tree branch can be used to draw the guidance of your ancestors, especially a branch from a graveyard, so I worked the twigs into my altar. My intention is to be guided on this journey in the underworld to banish the spirits of love lost but not forgotten.
Sometimes this time of year feels like Samhain when Full Moon in Scorpio hits. Especially if there’s a cold snap. It’s almost like Persephone emerging from the underworld … now the flowers can really bloom 🌸