I have mixed feelings about Twin Flames because it’s easy to get it wrong. I got it wrong a couple of times. But I knew in the back of my mind that I’ve known my Twin Flame since before I knew of the concept.
I met my Twin Flame when I was 16 years old. He went to my high school. We were in a Christmas play together and I spent a lot of time with him at rehearsals. We connected because we’re both mischievous. The director often separated us because we couldn’t stop laughing at the cheesy script. The play opened and closed with us holding hands. I always looked forward to holding his hand because it felt right to me. There was something about him that I absolutely adored from the start.
But we were star crossed from the beginning because he’s gay and I’m in a woman’s body.
Despite how strong the initial connection was, after the play, I went on with high school. I’m a year older than My Twin and I didn’t see him much after the play came and went. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart, a classmate. My Twin and I said “hello” in the hallway at school, but that was it. I graduated and I didn’t think I would see My Twin again.
But we reconnected in college through mutual friends. I was still attracted to him but I didn’t fall in love with him until we spent a magical night making out at the A Perfect Circle show.
He grabbed my hand and we ran into the crowd. We left our friends behind and something changed when it was just us.
Maybe it was the music or the lights or the atmosphere, but once we were away from our friends, we looked into each other’s eyes and our lips met. The music soared and dipped. He kissed me like I was the only person in the world. We barely came up for air during the show. I never kissed anyone like that before or since. When we parted ways that night, I knew I’d fallen in love.
My Twin and I got really close after that. We fantasized about running away together. It was my dream to live in Japan. We held each other, two college kids that wanted to escape reality, and dreamed about moving overseas where no one knew us and we could start life over together.
It was easy to believe we were in love even though my friends said I was delusional. “He’s gay! He can’t be in love with you!” my friends repeated every time I told them what I felt. They tried to convince me that I was wrong but I refused to listen. My Twin’s best friend knew how I felt as well. She wasn’t kind when she told me I was wrong.
But I personally know straight people who developed crushes on the same sex. It wasn’t unheard of for people to sometimes fall in love with someone with mismatched biology. Love is not always simple, straightforward or logical, and it’s certainly not a formula for it. I was convinced that everyone else was wrong, not me, because there was something magical about my connection with my Twin outside the grasp of logic and reason.
My Twin and I could read each other’s minds. we had the same dreams about each other on the same nights for years. I learned much later that I was connected to him psychically because we share the same soul as Twin Flames.
Sometimes the magnetic pull almost conquered biological differences. We made out passionately in secret. He held me tenderly from time to time. We never made love but sometimes clothes came off. We melted into each other, skin to skin. And my love grew deeper. The sharing of the same soul transcended reality. And we found ways to become one even though our bodies didn’t match when our souls spoke.
We’re not typical people, so the typical rules for love never applied to us. When our souls came together, we let them mingle but never spoke of what happened. It broke my heart to keep so many secrets but it was important to My Twin that no one knew about the things that happened sometimes when we alone together because he identified as gay. The body mismatch was the biggest challenge our Twin Flame experience faced. And the heaviest burden my heart has carried.
Back then, I didn’t know what Twin Flames are. If I had, I may have found some comfort in knowing that the journey to Union is paved with the biggest obstacles you will ever face in love.
But instead, I found myself intensely in love and dizzy with confusion because everything made sense when I was with him except the vessels we inhabited. But back then, all I knew was that he made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. And I reflected that back to him.
I thought we were ride or die. We lived fast and furious. I’m still shocked we didn’t join the 27 Club. After college we finally ran away to Asia together. He spent the night with me before our red eye flight to South Korea, our first stop on our adventure. “We’re finally doing it.” He said. “We’re finally running away together, just like we said we always would.” I held him all night, ready to fall into the unknown with him. I left everything, my boyfriend, friends, family and budding dance career with nothing but small lump of cash and faith in the future.
And so we ran across the world together and told everyone we were married because no one knew us. And maybe in our hearts we were because we had a kundalini awakening together and stood on the brink of alchemical marriage. But I wasn’t as evolved spiritually then. All I knew is that we were starting over together. It was just us. All we had was each other — or at least that’s how I felt when it was happening.
Because even though we were like the English teacher version of Bonnie and Clyde running through East Asia, the dream fell apart. The whole thing become abusive when the honeymoon period ended. My Twin developed a bad drinking problem. Sometimes he got drunk and told me all the things he hated about me. Sometimes he was so mean that I believed I was a useless, terrible person. One night when he got blackout drunk, he shouted at me that he felt the same way once, but now my love was too much. The aloe plant behind him broke in half with those words. I’d never seen anything like that happen. It was my cue to get out. I got a new job and disappeared without telling him. I broke into our apartment to get my stuff because I was done.
I didn’t even say bye.
In my eyes, it wasn’t worth it.
It was over and that was that.
I was numb with heartbreak.
I needed space but after a few years of separation we managed to repair our friendship. I moved back to the USA after the Great Tohoku Earthquake in 2011. My Twin stayed in Japan. One day he showed up unexpectedly on my doorstep in our hometown where I was marooned and suffering from PTSD. He was visiting the States and he came to say he was sorry for how he treated me in person. I opened my heart to him and forgave him. But really, he was a wolf at the door. And I let him back in.
We had long video chats once every couple of months after that. We laughed about our adventures until we cried. We fantasized about traveling together again. Sometimes I told him I’d consider coming back, but it was just a fleeting thought.
Then last fall we started texting every day and having more and more frequent video calls. I started to remember why I fell for him. I realized that I never stopped loving him. I started thinking about leaving everything behind and running back to him.
People started asking questions. My roommate at the time, who is very psychic, blatantly asked me what was going on. “What’s up with him?” She asked. “Why is he all of a sudden calling all the time.” She knew there’s a 13 hour time difference and all of a sudden I was on the phone at strange hours with My Twin.
My family asked me if it was a good idea to leave everything and go back to Japan. I didn’t know if I could get in because of COVID, but every time My Twin and I talked, we talked about how we could see each other in these extraordinary times. I promised I’d come to him as soon as I could because I felt it was a mistake to leave him and I was ready to come home. I was starting to understand that we’re Twin Flames and I was ready for reunion.
My Twin and I talked about getting married in South Korea as a joke, but it kept coming up. It stopped feeling like a joke and started feeling more like a call to adventure. If we got married, I could come back to Japan and be with him despite COVID restrictions. I started thinking I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him again. Even if it could never be what I sexually wanted in a relationship due to body mismatches, I wanted to be with my Twin. Because the way I loved him, it didn’t matter if we made love or not. I just wanted to be near him. And I’m polyamorous, so physical needs could be met elsewhere.
Around that time, a few non-binary friends gently suggested that the situation with my Twin could mean I’m non-binary. I’m not attracted to straight men most of the time and I’m not a lesbian. I don’t find dating women any more satisfying than dating men. But I found myself attracted to gay and queer men the most. Sometimes my attraction to queer and gay men made me feel like I was born in the wrong body.
So I started looking into what it means to be non-binary and it all fell into place.
As my gender made more and more sense, I decided to take a risk and come out to my Twin as non-binary. I planned to ask him to be with me since I don’t always identify as a woman. I love presenting as a woman and I love my feminine side but spiritually, I don’t feel like any gender. I’ve achieved a state of spiritual androgyny from my intense spiritual alchemy work and now gender feels meaningless. It took a lot of processing and it scared me, but I prepared to confess my love to my Twin and take up the call to adventure. I decided that I could present as a man if it made being with my Twin easier. I was OK giving up the female part of my gender to be with him.
One night I was talking with my Twin on video chat and he asked me to meet him in Guam and marry him. He said his mom is a minister and could officiate. We had a beautiful trip to Guam once together and the idea was perfect, I couldn’t think of marrying anyone else anywhere else. I wanted to scream with joy. Of course, I said yes. I was ecstatic at the thought of marrying my best friend in Guam. I was about to come out to him as nonbinary but then the Tower moment happened …
My Twin took back what he said and added “never fall in love with a gay guy and we both need to find a husband.”
I went to bed numb. I was done with the next day before it started. I cried all day. I was devastated. My face was raw from tears. I cussed out the lady working at the laundromat when a machine stole my money, something very out of character for me. I kept asking myself all day “Why? What was the purpose of all the things that ever happened between us?”
Then I realized it was all a game. My Twin was bored with life and that boredom made him do cruel things to amuse himself. I was his favorite toy and he loved me like an object, not like a person. He was using me for his personal entertainment and it had been that way for a long time. I was his puppet and he knew how to pull my strings. I told my therapist what happened and she recommended I read the book The Sociopath Next Door.
I picked up the book and woke up into a nightmare: my Twin Flame is a sociopath.
I don’t think it was always a matter of manipulation. I really do believe we are Twin Flames because many times he was able to tell me things that happened in dreams or read my mind word for word or tell me what color I was thinking of. Sociopaths are master manipulators, but I met him in the final years before the personality disorder fully solidified. I knew him when he could still feel something. And for a time, he really did try to feel something when his ability to feel empathy was dying. But there is no beating his personality disorder now. I offered as much as I could, but it wasn’t enough to stop the switch on his ability to love to be permanently switched off.
It was hard to accept, and it makes some of the best memories of my life difficult because so many feelings in the end were one sided, but better to figure that out after 20 years instead of 60 … or never.
And on top of that, the new discovery about my gender added to the confusion when I figured out what had become of my Twin Flame.
I blocked My Twin across platforms without an explanation. He sent me a birthday card. A friend destroyed it for me.
Since then I’ve seen him in my dreams. We never speak but we’re together.
After my full moon in Scorpio love spell, I saw my Twin Flame in my dreams. We were going down the steps and into the subway side by side. He shot me a side glance and I woke up.
Because of how powerful the full moon spell was, I was confused the next morning. I had asked to see my future lover in my dreams, but I saw my Twin who doesn’t have the ability to love anyone but himself. “Is this some kind of sick joke?” I wondered.
Then I realized this is a boss fight. I have to clear my Twin’s energy.
So I had altar time to the classic Massive Attack track “Mezzanine”. I took a willow branch I found in the park that used to be a graveyard, broke it in half and anointed the twigs with oil from my ritual. According to my Llewelyn daily planner, the willow tree branch can be used to draw the guidance of your ancestors, especially a branch from a graveyard, so I worked the twigs into my altar. My intention is to be guided on this journey into the underworld to banish the spirits of love lost but not forgotten.
Sometimes spring feels like Samhain when Full Moon in Scorpio hits. Especially if there’s a cold snap. It’s almost like Persephone emerging from the underworld … now the flowers can really bloom. And after my Twin Flame experience ending the way it did, I’m ready to call in my soul mate.
Wise psychics advice that one ask for a soulmate experience instead of a Twin Flame and I agree. The biggest lesson my Twin Flame taught me is when to leave. Now that I know the power of goodbye, I feel ready for my soul mate.
But first, I have to beat the boss – my evil twin …
Additional articles in my Twin Flame Series 🔥