The Summer is drawing to a close. The days are getting shorter. The nights are getting colder. The Sun god has reached the peak of his power and now he is retreating. Every summer I turn into a sun worshipper. I spend as much time as I can outside; floating in the pool, biking, hula hooping, dancing in the moonlight and when I can get out of the city, camping and hiking. I love the solar power and all it’s warmth and embrace. I love the long, hot days and the cool nights.

This summer, I’ve been working through the 17th, 18th and now I’m on the 19th path of the Tree of Life. The thing about Kabala is that when you study it, your entire life becomes a laboratory and you’re not quite sure what’s going to happen in the Divine experiment you’re running. You take risks — big risks — just to see if the result matches up with what you’ve studied. Usually it does, but it’s expressed in a completely different manner than what you expect. But in all, it’s an alchemic process and there is no way to not experience a transformation through your journey.

The 17th path found me cast out of Eden when I lost a soulmate who meant the world to me. The 18th path challenged me to rise out of the muck and be reborn, blooming like a lotus flower. It asked me to reject an attachment to the past but to sit with my grief and let it transform me. To not regret or apologize for my feelings but to embrace and accept them as part of me because there is nothing to be ashamed of.

I was in the depths of darkness and opened up to the light. I recognize now that death and rebirth are a rhythm, like the cycles of the Moon, like the way the sun travels across the sky and dies every night to be reborn in the morning. I cut all my hair off and dyed it pink and purple as a way to reinvent myself. I cried as much as I laughed. And I gave myself permission to cry and mourn for all that I’ve been and all that I am and all that I will become.

Now the 19th path challenges me to have the strength to implement everything I’ve learned and see the transformation I’ve undergone. I’ll report back with results once they’re in.