I’m trying to figure out where to start. I guess I should go back to right after 1st Temple initiation into AMORC and the whole discovering St. Germaine as a teacher.

Shortly before I went to San Jose, I met a boy I liked and he liked me. I hadn’t met anyone that I was mutually attracted to in a while so it was exciting. It was Beltain and I wanted a lover so I asked the God and Goddess to send me passion for Beltain and I got my wish. The boy and I caught each other after a month long, romantic, playful, breathtaking chase. We fell into bed together, we promised not to fall in love.

But the fates had other ideas for me. Shortly before I met the boy, my magical plant, my orchid that I used when I was studying Zayin, the 17th path of the Tree of Life, started growing a root. This plant has foretold just about every love encounter I’ve had so when I notice something new growing or something dying, I take note. It had blossomed when passing fancies in love appeared and had grown leaves for crushes but I’d never seen a root growing out of it.

So I wasn’t surprised when the boy and I started having problems, not because we didn’t care about each other, but because we both cared too much and unfortunately, nothing made sense about us actually pursing a relationship due to a 10 year age difference with me being the older woman, maturity level and conflicts with employment. And no matter how much I’ve asked for the Divine to cut the tie and take this love away it continues to grow and take root.

I don’t know if what’s growing is a flower or a weed.  I surrender it all to Source daily but the lesson isn’t done here so I must wait patiently for what comes after this … whether it be something old or something new.

Not only that, but on a mundane level, my department at work was utterly swamped and understaffed so I was feeling dead tired and intellectually exhausted every day.

I went to see my business partner on June 10 and she gave me the crazy alchemy coins back. I asked her if she wanted me to sell them and she said no, they were mine. I was shocked. I had told her that she should keep them because there is something really powerful about the coins that I’d never encountered before … something I couldn’t name that is tied very deeply to someone’s alchemy practice. But she said she didn’t want them so as an aspiring spiritual alchemist, I took them because I wanted to figure out how to use them.

On July 11, all the stress came to a head and I had a Tower moment that left me shaking in the kitchen and telling my roommates how overwhelming life was. Mercury was about to enter Cancer and I’d drawn the Emperor Reversed for the day.  I felt a wave of emotion like a tsunami and I felt like I was drowning.

I understood that for whatever reason, that particular movement of the stars was a very sensitive time for me but it also was a wake up call that I needed to do something to manage my stress levels if I want to really push forward and embrace the success I know I deserve. I took a day to myself to process and read mystical works. I knew that I would choose the right book to tell me what I needed to know. I choose to read The Conscious Interlude by Ralph M. Lewis, a book about the philosophy of consciousness from a Rosicrucian perspective and Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés. Both of these books helped me see what places in my life were draining my power and I decided that I should consider going back on anti-depressants and going back to therapy because depression had started to eat me alive again — unfortunately one of the downsides of being a Capricorn under 40 and I think most Capricorns will say they’ve had an on and off love affair with the sullen side of life. I talked with my roommates, my therapist and my doctor and they all agreed that I needed the medication so I started taking it.

New Moon fell on June 13. I had recently found a dead butterfly outside of my office one day while taking an anxious walk and milling over my love woes around the building. It had bright, yellow wings tipped in blue and it was kind of big to find in the middle of downtown Denver. But then again, we get some wild winds so I thought it may have been blown off course, unfortunately. So I put it in my sunglasses case to protect it and took it home. The night before New Moon I set the butterfly outside in the darkness along with some rose ashes I’d been working with. I’d burnt the dried roses I’d used on altars dedicated to love before and then had let them soak in a couple full moons and then dry in the sun.

Then on New Moon I held the butterfly over my cauldron with tongs and burnt it. POOF! The butterfly exploded in a little puff of smoke that lit up orange. Then a brilliant flash filled the room. I gasped.

“Oh my god, what did I do?” I thought to myself.

The transformation started almost immediately after that …

But more on that later …